Thanks, but no thanks.

You know what this sounds like:

Boy: Here, take this.
Girl: I don’t want it.
Boy: No seriously, have it. I want to give it to you.
Girl: I don’t want it.
Boy: Well I’m going to give it to you anyways.
Girl: But I said I don’t want it.

Later…

Girl: *gets something she wants*
Boy: *hurt feelings*
All friends: WHY DID YOU TAKE IT?!
Girl: But I said I didn’t want it.
Friends: But he gave it to you.
Girl: But I said I didn’t want it.
Friends: Then you shouldn’t have taken it.
Girl: But he gave it to me even when I said I didn’t want it.
Friends: Yeah, well you shouldn’t have taken it.

Why was the boy not told to keep what was not wanted?

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Cluttered.

I’m typing this while trying to keep my phone correctly angled so that it does not stop charging – yes…it has gotten to that point of needing either a new phone or charger.

I read my first post, and I am now processing all the changes that have happened in me. There was once a time where I embraced the endless crawling-through-thoughts thing that my brain does until I sleep. I have spent a considerable amount of effort over the last few months trying to quiet my mind.

It just gets louder.

I am overwhelmed by the things I find in my space. There is so much. I currently run my studio right next to my bed – I move to the wall side to work, and come back to the window side to rest. I have hit a major creative block because my brain cannot see outside these four walls anymore.

Biggest adventure of my week so far: car wash.

My to-do list is long; and if motivation and will were bunnies, mine would be zig-zagging away as if escaping a hunter.

I could go on, but my eyes and phone charger are telling me to sleep.

Stones.

More than a year later, and I now sit in the comfort of resolved internal conflict.

God has helped me build a home away from home, with friends who have become family.

I’m busy with work, joyful in my commitments, and in love with the most incredible man.

I’ve been doing a lot of review mirror checking recently. Looking into the past is fine as long as you don’t do so longingly – and I definitely was not longing for anything that these past few years had to show me.

I dug an odd shaped hole for myself. One I didn’t quite fit into, but was trying really hard to. What I was looking for in that ground was love, happiness, and purpose. All I gathered for myself was insecurity after insecurity, and I dropped my identity to carry them all.

God is stripping me of all these things. My mentor described it like this: we are to God as beautiful pieces of jewellery studded with precious stones. Each of those stones are uncut, though. The whole process of sanctification and growth is God prying the stone out, cutting and moulding it by shaping the edges, and then putting it back.

A few things to note:

– Each of these stones makes up our character; our inner being that comes out towards other people and in each situation in which we find ourselves. God moulds our character – our inner being – so that He may use it. A stone can’t let light shine through it unless it has been cut.

– Also, insecurities are ordinary ground stones that don’t let light shine through at all. We pick them up even though they have no place in this piece of jewellery. Sometimes, we take them from other people or allow them to hand them to us, and all they do is get heavy and stop us from being able to carry the things God wants to give us.

I’m allowing Him to take away each stone I’ve picked up against His design. I feel lighter. I feel beautiful. I feel like a puzzle that has just had its border completed, and now God is filling up the inner pieces.

I am grateful.

I am rejoicing.

But most importantly, my God is good.

Alleyway

Today, I cannot figure out what is on my mind. Everything, and nothing, I suppose.

Millions of thoughts – happy or sad? I’m not sure. Perhaps a combination of both.

The weather has been so perfect. Rain, and cloud-covered grey skies. I’ve been too busy to enjoy it to its fullest, until today. 

And now that I am sitting by a huge window, in my pj’s and under a blanket, having finished a beautifully made hot cup of Sri Lankan tea, my mind has taken the liberty of leading the happenings of the day.

One problem, though; I have no idea where it has led me. I feel childlike content at one moment, and then deep affliction. My mind is starting to feel like a dark alleyway that I don’t fancy walking down.

I suppose what is left – and is above babbling about it – is to hand it over to God.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” – Psalms 23:4

Are you comfortable?

Ah what a day! – I feel like I will say that when tomorrow comes to a close as well.

On a late night stroll from Baskin Robbins (one of my favourite milkshake stops, but tonight I could only afford a scoop of ice cream) I felt very comfortable, and my brain picked up on this.

Odd thought? I know.

What’s so significant about noticing ones own comfort in their surroundings, with their company? Well, this comfort made me wonder…

Does my comfort mean I belong here? – One would think having two homes is easier or not really something to think about, but for me it means my heart is in two places. 

While my heart is caught up in two different locations – each with their own memories, people, promises, potential, and limits – my body can only be present in one.

Ah! There we go…I figured it out. My mind is actually trying to process where I should stay when I have finished my degree. 

Is comfort a warning of just settling for what is in the moment, or is it an assurance that you are where you belong? 

So this question is the reason my comfort was so heavy tonight… 

Diary of a wannabe

I was going to name this blog “Diary of a wannabe,” but that was already taken. 

Like most people, I ‘wannabe’ someone. Not just in theory – I really want to be someone who other someone’s look at and proudly point, “I know her.”

Prideful desire? Maybe.

I have a personality that can cater for almost any type of person – although I sometimes scare introverts when I forget to use my inside voice (that was pointed out to me a few times today).

Somehow, writing (and taking photographs – this is very important) helps me get into a zone that caters for me. I spend a lot of time thinking – I digest more brainwaves than I do food (and that says a lot as the amount of food I eat has caused many a jaw to drop) – so I need a place to jot down my over-analytical, often full-of-nonsense, but mostly God-seeking thoughts…and this is it.

If you so happen to find this blog, pray for me. I will be doing the same for you. I want to be someone, and here I can be exactly who I am when I am that. 🙂